WWEekly Wrap-Up: December 19, 2011

Hey guys, I got four shows to cover today, so let’s just GO!  GO!  GO!

Monday Night Raw from Norfolk, VA:  December 12, 2011

Tonight was the Slammy Awards, a useless gimmick nowadays.  I’m in a rush, so no real analysis.

Jim Ross won for “Tell Me I Did Not Just See That” Moment of the Year.  JR had a rap-off with Michael Cole for the Slammy that was just awful.  Well, JR can’t be good at EVERYTHING, I guess.  Cole got his lines right, but it was still just a bore and didn’t need to happen.  Somewhere, Drew McIntyre was thinking “this is what I lose screen time to?”

The “Holy Bleep” moment of the year went to the Big Show/Mark Henry superplex that blew up the ring.

The Big Show def. Wade Barrett via DQ

A lousy match that did nothing good for either man and didn’t really advance any storyline.

ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES announces the “Pipe Bomb of the Year” award to CM Punk for, well, naming the award.  He had a lot of fun at John Laurinitus’s expense with a manniquen… and ruined the song “You Got The Touch” from the Transformers movie for the foreseeable future for me.  Thanks, Punk.

The “Divalicious Moment of the Year was presented by Lita, ironic since the winner of the award, Kelly Kelly (for winning the Diva’s Championship) can’t actually wrestle while Lita can.  This one I’ll focus a bit on.  The other three nominations was Natalya doing a double sharpshooter on LayCool, which was awesome, Kharma destroying Michelle McCool, which was fun, and Beth Phoenix doing a Glam Slam on Eve from the top rope, which was especially awesome and probably the best thing the Divas Division did all year.  Kelly winning the title from Brie Bella… was pathetic.  Neither Diva could wrestle, neither are interesting, and only one of them I’d say is entirely attractive.  But that’s the problem with the Divas Division, isn’t it?  Today, the WWE Divas are about being centerfolds and eye candy and not about competing in the ring.  Say what you will about women like Trish Stratus, Torrie Wilson, Lita, Melina, Gail Kim, and others, but while they looked like Playboy cover girls, they could at least perform in the ring.  Today, you got three.  Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Kharma, and Kharma is out pregnant while Beth Phoenix and Natalya lose matches they have no business losing.  I’m hoping AJ develops quickly so we can have one more Diva who can work.  Everyone else… if they got fired tomorrow, I’d have the biggest smile knowing that they can’t waste my time anymore and credibility can return to the Divas Division.

The “OMG Moment of the Year” award went to Triple H Tombstone Piledriving The Undertaker at WrestleMania, something that, if any legitimacy were in these awards, would have gone to Punk running off with the WWE Championship or the Superstar Walkout earlier in the year.  But, being Mr. Boss’ Daughter has advantages.  No wonder he cheated on Chyna!  Why have legitimate love when you can bone the boss’ hot daughter and own the company one day?!  Eyyyyyyyyerooooooollllllllllllll!

Trips talks trash about Nash.  Next!

“Trending Star of the Year” had an interesting twist.  It was a fatal four-way where the first person to trend on Twitter got the award.  Not that I think it mattered.

Dolph Ziggler def. Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, and Daniel Bryan.

Oh my God, this match was a whole lot of fun on an entirely awesome level.  All four didn’t have perfect mesh, but for a Raw match to go two commercial breaks and keep interest was something to behold.  If you wanted great mainstream wrestling, this was the match you wantedto see.

Anyway, Zack Ryder won the award, but Dolph runs off with it after a sneak-attack.  Sets up Sunday pretty well.

“Game Changer of the Year” was awarded to The Rock challenging John Cena to WrestleMania.  Now, I’d have accepted it if one of the nominees wasn’t something else that shouldn’t have been nominated for something this fake.  Edge’s forced retiring.

Now… I’ve criticized the WWE over many things over the years.  Lackluster PPVs.  The Divas Division.  Devaluing their titles.  The Divas Division.  Piss-pour matches.  The Divas Division.  Their over-valuing of their inner circle of stars, such as Triple H, John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz, and the like.  The Divas Division.  Throwing the fans’ emotions and opinions in their faces.  THE DIVAS DIVISION!  But the one thing I’ll always criticize them for and never apologize for is their use of real life situations in their storytelling.

Now, admittedly, this isn’t much storytelling, but think about it for a minute.  The WWE is saying that, with this award, Edge being forced to retire due to years of compiling injuries working for their company, injuries that threatened his very way of life, and the WWE is saying that it wasn’t nearly as important as another WrestleMania.  Someone lost their career due to medical reasons and you’re saying “Thanks, but something that hasn’t even happened yet, has had minimal impact on the company, and will have minimal impact on the company, is more important than you, an established multi-time World Champion, losing your career.”  This is why I have no problems calling the WWE product complete and utter bullshit.  I’m sorry, but that’s exactly what it is today.  Bullshit.

Years ago, I went to an autograph signing for Edge’s new book when he just turned monster-heel after his affair with Lita, yet another example of the WWE exploiting real life situations.  During my time in line, Edge laughed with, talked to, and appreciated all the fans.  He loved what he did and this gesture by the WWE is not only a big middle finger to him but to all the fans who lost one of the company’s best.  I do like watching pro wrestling, but I can’t stand WWE’s business or story practices at all lately.  When the wrestling goes, I’m probably going too.

Alberto Del Rio & The Miz def. WWE Champion CM Punk & Randy Orton

A decent match that I can’t say much about.  After the match, when Orton ran off after Barrett mid-match, Del Rio and Miz worked over Punk with a ladder.  Miz got on the mike and was even more boring than usual.  Funny… his mic skills got him to a WWE Championship and now they’re keeping him from won.  Funny ol’ world, ain’t it?

“A-Lister of the Year” went to Snooki.  Ugh.  Well, competing in a match at WrestleMania will do that.  Still think the Muppets were more entertaining, though.

Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal went to a no contest because of a pre-emptive strike before the match.

“Superstar of the Year,” as supposedly voted on by the fans, went to CM Punk and was accepted by John Lauranitis.  I’m sorry, but this guy’s just not interesting (Lauranitis).  Seriously.  If he’s supposed to be a super heel, he’s the most boring super heel of them all.  On the upside, at least you can listen to him talk… if you can hear him.  More than I can say for Michael Cole.

John Cena vs. Mark Henry ended in a No Contest.

Simply put, Kane returned with his mask and an iron helmet over it.  Guess someone was playing Skyri… you know what?  No!  I’m making a stand!  NO MORE SKYRIM JOKES!  PLEASE!  No more arrows to knees!  No more Fus Ro Dahs!  No more bastardizing dragons!  NO MORE!  These jokes have had less shelf life than GameCubes and duct tape jokes when the Wii came out!  Seriously!

Oh yeah.  Kane chokeslammed John Cena and a good time was had by all.

Raw was terrible.  Five matches, one of them didn’t last five minutes, one of them didn’t start, and one of them didn’t end.  Not a good showing, especially for a three hour show.

I give the December 12, 2011, Monday Night Raw… one and a half out of five stars.

WWE Tribute to the Troops fromFort Bragg, NC:  December 13, 2011

The WWE had their second Tribute to the Troops show outside of the Middle East.  This one was even in an arena so you couldn’t even tell you were in a military facility.  I dunno… I still miss the use of an actual Iraqi or Afghan US military base for the backdrop, but last year’s outdoor event at a Texan base was pretty good too.  This felt like another WWE show.  Still, it's great that they do this for the troops and their families and they do deserve props for this.  But with the recent pull-out of Iraq, I'm wondering how many more of these will be in the pipeline.  I'd like to see it continue post-war simply for doing an awesome gesture.  On the plus side, we got lots of matches to work with and they were pretty decent ones… for the most part.  Let’s just get started.

We had the President of the United States, Barack Obama, give a special tribute to the troops via video, which was nice.  Lilian Garcia sang the National Anthem, which was awesome.  There were celebrities throughout the night with shout-outs or live performances, which was varied.  The worst was George Wallace.  It reminded me that comedy is a dead art today.  Call me old-fashioned, but today's comics think just saying things in a funny way will make it funny.  Either that, or they have to use excessive swearing, shout at the top of their lungs, or be offensive to certain sects so everyone else will find it funny.  This is why I stopped watching Family Guy and Simpsons.  It wasn't funny.  It was just boring.  He did say that in 2012 he'd give all service men and women free tickets to his show.  Hopefully, the troops will have be able to find something better in Las Vegas.  Nickelback and Mary J. Blige were just forgetful at best.

Okay, the matches.

Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett ended in a double count-out

It wasn’t bad and whetted the pallet for the pay-per-view, especially when David Otunga, interfering afterwards, got put through a table for his troubles.

Zack Ryder def. Jack Swagger

Good match, Sgt. Slaughter was there.  He put the Camel Clutch on Swagger after the match for messing with him.

Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, and Maria Menounos def. Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and the Bella Twins.

Yes, you read that right.  A daytime newscaster won a match, even getting the pinfall.  For crying out loud, WWE, keep the celebrities out of matches already!  Just because it worked with Snooki doesn’t mean it’d work every time.  Seriously, the Divas Division is already a pathetic mess and this doesn’t help matters.

Daniel Bryan def. Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes

Good match, ended with Booker T interfering.  Good stuff, getting fans read for Sunday’s bout between he and Rhodes.

Primo & Epico w/Rosa Mendez def. WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom in a non-title match

A good at geam match,   I’m glad to see Epico sticking around, glad to see Rosa do anything, and glad to see Primo escaping Superstars and NXT.  Spoiler alert, this won’t end well for them.

Sheamus def. Drew McIntyre

Wait, DREW MCINTYRE?!  REALLY!  AWESOME!  Oh… he lost a virtual squash match… never mind, false alarm…

John Cena, The Big Show, & WWE Champion CM Punk def. Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, & World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry

Basic six-man, but not bad.  Hulk Hogan, I mean, John Cena, got the pinfall for the fans to go home happy, ending with a big thank you to the soldiers, rightfully so.

It was a decent show for the troops, but it was too celebrity-bogged in my opinion.

I give Tribute to the Troops 2011… three and a half out of five stars.

Friday Night SmackDown from Rraleigh, NC:  December 16, 2011

Again, we’re just getting into it.  It was considerably better than Raw, though.  Joy, the status quo is back!

Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes def. Daniel Bryan

An okay match.  Not as good as their previous two, but not bad.  The point was to fuel the fire between Rhodes and Booker T for Sunday, so it accomplished that, I guess.

Alicia Fox def. Natalya

I gotta wonder if Natalya said or did something that’s causing her to job out to all the worthless talents on the Divas roster.  The match stunk, end of story, WWE, get some new Divas STAT!  Or better yet, don’t mistreat people like Gail Kim or randomly fire people like Melina.

Primo & Epico w/Rosa Mendez def. The Usos

It was basic.  Next!

Big Show def. Jack Swagger

It wasn’t bad.  Basic, but Swagger didn’t look like a shmuck, which I’m happy to have seen.  What was fun, though, was seeing Mark Henry attack the cameraman afterwards.  I love random violence in wrestling, don’t you?

Sheamus def. Jinder Mahal

It was quick and boring.  Next!

Randy Orton & Zack Ryder def. Wade Barrett & United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero

A good main event that had some good spots.  Cookie cutter, yes, but if the cookie is still good, why break the mold?  Better yet, these four can work a match.  While I still say Randy Orton’s ring skills leave a lot to be desired, he can still carry a match.  Again, Ziggler does no wrong in the ring lately and Ryder has shown he’s deserving of his push by busting his chops through most of the match.  And, of course, Barrett is no slouch in the slightest.  I predict he WILL be a champion some time in the next year… it may be late in the year, but I’ll stand by that prediction.

I give Friday Night SmackDown for December 16, 2011… three and a half out of five stars.

WWE TLC from Baltimore, MD:  December 18, 2011

Yeah, we’re covering Sunday’s PPV this time!  I wasn’t going to, but when I was basically given it as an early Christmas Gift, I decided to hold off my blog to include it and try something new.  After all, Sunday is the seventh day of the week to me and PPVs should be included when applicable.  Let me know what you guys think.

TLC was another good pay-per-view with fun matches and a subtle hint of story, which I liked.

United States Championship match:  Zack Ryder def. Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero to WIN the United States Championship

What an awesome way to start the event with an awesome match between two truly awesome superstars.  Both were truly in sync and didn’t disappoint.  The high points were awesome, the emotion ran high, and it was something you could truly enjoy.  Just to add to the emotion, Ryder’s dad was in the crowd, hugging his son after the match.  Good stuff.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match:  Champions Air Boom def. Primo & Epico w/Rosa Mendez

Another decent match that wasn’t advertised beforehand.  Good stuff, maybe a little basic, but it got helped with Rosa dancing pretty much the whole time… I’m gonna like Rosa at ringside, aren’t I?  I hope this doesn’t end Primo & Epico’s push because I think they can be just as exceptional as Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne.  Good match.

Divas Championship Match:  Champion Beth Phoenix def. Kelly Kelly

Another unadvertised match.  Basic Divas match… bad.  Some of Beth’s moves were totally brutal looking through and I actually got a lot of joy out of seeing that happen to Kelly Kelly in-ring.  Surprising finish though, as it wasn’t a Beth Phoenix finisher that won it.  It was a reverse electric chair.  Huh.  Okay then.

Tables Match:  Randy Orton def. Wade Barrett

An okay match.  Barrett looked sharp as usual.  Actually, on Orton… Orton looked darn lazy at some points.  He just seemed like he was just going along for the ride.

Sledgehammer over a Ladder Match:  Triple H def. Kevin Nash

As a Kevin Nash fan, I’m kind of bummed to hear that this may be his last match.  Anyway, this wasn’t a bad bout at all.  I’ll always say that Triple H is one of the most overrated wrestlers of all time and I think this match, combined with the match with The Undertaker earlier in the year, exposed him as such.  Maybe that’s why he cheated on Chyna.  She wrestled better than he could!  There were some good brutal spots, but that ending got dragged out forever.  I get it, the WWE wants to remind us that Triple H is a badass.  You want to convince me?  How about he makes his own matches more interesting.  The match ended with Nash getting stretchered out for taking a sledgehammer to the face.  Kayfabe, of course.

Sheamus def. Jack Swagger

Leading up to the Pay-Per-View, I was surprised that neither Sheamus or John Cena had a match.  Well, backstage antics with Theodore Long and Hornswoggle fixed Sheamus’s issues.  Decent match, Swagger came to show again, but the result was NEVER in doubt.  I’m growing intrigued as to what the payoff for Sheamus is, though.  Could it be that HE ends up with the match with The Undertaker at Mania?  A better championship reign?  It’s got me thinking.

World Heavyweight Championship Chairs Match:  The Big Show def. Champion Mark Henry to WIN the World Heavyweight Championship

A quick match, but it got all the points out.  While it was quick, I can’t say it was terrible… it just needed time.  Then again, a long match between these two probably isn’t in our best interest.  Big Show wins, Mark Henry brutalizes Big Show afterwards, and then… THE VALKYRIES ARE FLYING, THE DRAGON HAS LANDED, IT’S DANIEL BRYAN!

MONEY IN THE BANK CASH-IN FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP:  Daniel Bryan def. Champion The Big Show to WIN the World Heavyweight Championship

Pinfall, awesome, rubs it in Cole’s face, and something that should have happened earlier finally happens.  My only fear is that the WWE didn’t do enough to build him and sell him as a champion.  That’s because of all the losses they threw at him over the course of the year.  Ah well, we’ll see how it goes.  If he can hold the title up until Elimination Chamber at least, I’ll be happy.  I just don’t want him to end up like Christian and lose it on SmackDown the following week.

Interconeinental Championship Match: Champion Cody Rhodes def. Booker T

This wasn’t a great match, honestly. Rhodes looked sub-par tonight and the ending was just confusing. If they were trying to sell two earlier attacks on Booker T, they did a bad job of it. This isn’t the end of the feud, though, so we’ll see where it goes.

Tables, Ladders, & Chairs Match for the WWE Championship:  Champion CM Punk def. Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez and The Miz

 It was an awesome match.  Not because of skill, because Miz doesn’t have any, but it was the spots that really made the match, namely handcuffs being used cleverly and Ricardo Rodriguez taking the bump of the night by falling off of the top of a tall ladder and into tables set out on the outside.  Punk was awesome as usual, Del Rio continues to legitimize why he’s thought so highly of, and Miz… well, he didn’t terribly embarrass himself.  That’s something to be said.

TLC was just as good as Survivor Series, maybe even better.  I enjoyed the matches in general and the new alignment for the titles are just about ideal now for me.  If we could swap out Cody Rhodes for Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental Championship, it’d be perfect, considering the current roster.

I give TLC 2011… four out of five stars.

That’s it for me and Raw for THIS week just went off the air… and I need to watch it.  See you guys Saturday!  And be sure to look out for the return of The Back Stack and the first part of the Legend of Zelda Retrospective some time soon.  Oh yes, and I’ll also do that Rocky & Bullwinkle review I wanted to get to for a few months now.

Cheers;

Graves

WWEekly Wrap-Up: Week Ending December 10, 2011

And here we are again.  Welcome to another WWEekly Wrap-Up.  I apologize for missing last week’s Wrap-Up, but sometimes life can get a little busy.  If it means anything, I found the previous week’s WWE offering to be very lackluster and nothing to write home about.

I want to talk about two things from last week’s Raw and SmackDown.  First on Raw.  The end of John Morrison’s career.  How does it end?  Does he get a grand match late in the show?  Does he get a tribute of any kind?  Does he come close, yet fall short, in a title bout of some kind?  No.  What happens?  He gets squashed by his less-talented former tag team partner, The Miz.  Rumor has it that Vince McMahon wasn’t high on John Morrison for a variety of suggested reasons, either for letting his girlfriend Melina sleep around with the locker room, Vince not being convinced that he could win any kind of fight, or what have you.  While I can’t comment on that first bit, as for the second one… yeah, I’m not convinced more than half your roster could win a real fight, but hey, unassuming packages, right?

No, I’m more irritated with the WWE’s handling of John Morrison as a whole rather than just this one instance like I was critical of them when Lita left years back.  It always ended up being a tease.  He was put in great matches, had great performances, was put in the title picture multiple times, and lost to WWE darlings like The Miz, only winning against them when Rey Mysterio fails a welfare policy test and has to drop his title.  The fans were seemingly very into him and you WANT your fans to be into your Superstars, don’t you, WWE?

So, yeah, not happy about that.  Now onto SmackDown.

…IT SUCKED.  Let’s leave it at that.

Monday Night Raw from Tampa, FL, on December5, 2011

Monday Night Raw was actually the better show between the two this week.  When that happens, you know SmackDown had to be exceptionally bad… most weeks, anyway.

We start off with The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, and John Cena talking WWE Championship opportunities.  Ummm… shouldn’t the actual Champion be taking part in this in some way?  Anyway, all four will end up with matches tonight and if they win, they’ll be included in a TLC match against CM Punk for the WWE Championship.  This means we can have a potential Five-Way.  Of course, my highest hope is that this’ll end up just being a one-on-one between Punk and Ziggler, but no way I’m that lucky.  This segment was… routine.  There wasn’t a lot to say.  Anyway, the Miz is first and his opponent is Randy Orton.  Joy.

The Miz def. Randy Orton (countout)

This was another uninspired match between these two.  I was never particularly impressed with their matches when they were feuding over the WWE Championship earlier in the year/last year and this match was no exception.  Barrett comes out and distracts Orton long enough to be counted out.  Nothing really worth mentioning.  Miz is in the match.

Alberto Del Rio def. Daniel Bryan

A short match and it hurts in two ways.  One, Daniel Bryan has to sell rib injuries and obviously isn’t permitted to do his best stuff, not to mention tap out quickly to the Cross Armbreaker.  Second, it doesn’t make Daniel Bryan, injury or not, seem like a credible contender to the World Heavyweight Championship, which is what the Money in the Bank Winner always is.  Face or heel, I think the title holder needs to be treated as such at all times to remain as an ever-lingering threat to the championship.  And guess what?  The WWE doesn’t do that.  Nope, let a perceived weakling take the title!  That’s the way to tell the fans the holders are the best in the world!  Oies…

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres def. Diva’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Natalya

Within thirty seconds, Kelly Kelly rolls up Beth for the win.  What do I need to say about this?  Y’know, WWE, this is not the way to convince us that Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, either of the Bellas Alicia, Kaitlyn, or any of your other hack Divas can actually work a match or deserve to be called a champion, even in a world of pre-determined results.  You only hurt the credibility of those who we know CAN wrestle.  If I was a Diva, I’d make like the beautiful and amazing Gail Kim… and just walk out on you.

Anyway, the Interim GM, John Laurinitas, has a special surprise for John Cena.  His opponent tonight is Zack Ryder.  As a bonus, if Ryder wins, he gets the United States Championship match against Dolph Ziggler.  So, yeah, two friends going against another with their shots at the titles they want on the line.  Good heel heat for Laurinitas, but an admittedly bad premise when you want Cena to be your ever-loved face of the company.

John Cena def. Zack Ryder.

Oh, for those of you who thought Ryder would go over Cena in ANY fashion, I laugh at your misfortune.  Yeah, okay match, Ryder puts up a good show, but Super Cena wins in the end.  The two get into an argument, Ryder yelling how that it was his one opportunity at the title.  Ryder had been petitioning for weeks and had been denied a US title match.  So, yeah, he’s pretty peeved about it.  Cena returns to the locker room and says that Ryder still deserves a US Title Match.  The GM agrees to give Ryder one more chance to earn a title match if Cena gives up his spot in the WWE Championship match.  Cena agrees in an effort to make him better loved to the Internet Wrestling Community… but since he’ll get another title shot down the line anyway, I doubt it’ll work out.  As for Ryder, he has another match immediately against…

No Disqualification:  Zack Ryder def. World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry (non-title)

Okay, I also thought it was going to be Brodus Clay who would make his debut here.  Now, anybody whose anybody would have seen Ryder winning this coming, especially when it was made No Disqualification, but against the World Heavyweight Champion?  Ummm… you guys DO know he’s one of your two top dogs in this company, right?  Hell, if I were Ryder’s character, I’d say “screw the United States Championship!  I’m a World Heavyweight Championship contender now!  I just beat the World Heavyweight Champion!  Who cares if Cena did the heavy lifting?  I BEAT THE WORLD CHAMP!”  Anyway, this match wasn’t as good as Cena/Ryder and not as long either.

Kevin Nash def. Santino Marella

Since I was a WCW fan at one point, I enjoyed seeing another Kevin Nash match.  What I didn’t enjoy was, well, being a more educated fan seeing a modern Kevin Nash match.  It wasn’t even a humorous match, considering Santino was involved.  In fact, I almost figured it’d be shorter than that Divas debacle from earlier.  Shows what I know.

Sheamus def. United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero

Probably the match of the week and can you expect anything else from Dolph Ziggler?  Really?  Honestly, my fear is that I’m going to run out of things to say about him.  There are other wrestlers I’ll go on about in a good way, but one of them is consistently ragged on (Daniel Bryan), one of them is perpetually inactive (Undertaker), one of them is the WWE Champion and doesn’t get as much air-time as he should (CM Punk), and the other just jumped ship to TNA (Gail Kim).  Anyway, good match, Ryder distracts Ziggler, Sheamus gets the win, and Ryder lays out Ziggler again.  Fun stuff overall.

We end on the contract signing for the WWE Championship Triple Threat between CM Punk, Alberto Del Rio, and The Miz.  Punk echos all our thoughts with this one.  These are boring.  These are predictable.  I wanna get to the action too.  One thing to note… I know John Laurinitas is supposed to get under fans’ skin, but calling himself Mr. Excitement than suggesting to end the signing with a photograph?  Y’know, I get the character they’re going for… NOBODY is that self-contradictory.  Anyway, Punk raises hell, lays out Del Rio, lays out Miz, the end.

Raw was pretty darn bad.  There were a couple good spots and Dolph Ziggler, of course, kept it from being a total waste of time.  Everything else felt more like a chore rather than a diversion.  I just didn’t have a lot of fun tonight.

I give Raw for December 5, 2011… Two out of five stars.

Friday Night SmackDown from Jacksonville, FL, on December 9, 2011

We begin the show with Booker T having been attacked by Cody Rhodes for supposedly berating Rhodes.  Y’know, I understand that they want an angle for Booker T to come back to the ring, but this thing with Rhodes is a REAL stretch.  It’s not creative, it’s not interesting, and it’s causing Michael Cole to be exposed as the terrible announcer he is.

Onto something happy, Lillian Garcia, the best WWE announcer since Howard Finkel, is back!  YES!  And, of course, since WWE can’t let their fans be happy with anything not CenOrton Circle related, Rhodes interrupts to say that he’s doing commentary for the evening.  Y’know, for as bad as Cole talks about how bad Booker T is, I can understand how much jubilation he was experiencing with Rhodes on commentary.  Rhodes actually makes Cole sound better by comparison.  Seriously, with Rhodes’s droning, low volume, date rapey voice, I can safely say that Michael Cole is no longer the worst option for regular commentary on a weekly basis.  Hell, commentary on SmackDown became so unbearable that I actually muted it out.  Now, Booker T wasn’t the best, I admit, but it was still fun with just how wacky he was.

It begs the question, though.  When Booker T does return to active competition, who replaces him on SmackDown?  Do they replace him at all?  Well, they better.  Josh Mathews is a hack commentator as it is and Michael Cole has single-handedly brought down commentary as a whole.  Now I can safely say that there is one thing TNA does better.  I’ll take Mike Tenay and Taz over Michael Cole and Not-JR any day.

All right.  Let’s begin.

Beat The Clock Challenge:  Wade Barrett def. Ezekiel Jackson in 7:53

The premise is simple.  Whomever between Wade Barrett and Randy Orton wins their match in a faster amount of time wins the right to declare their match’s stipulation at the TLC Pay-Per-View.  Hmmm… four options, two of which require either a title or a weapon to be on the line, which isn’t the case between Barrett and Orton… so really, take your pick.  Either the admittedly bland tables match or the one-note chairs match.  Joy.

Anyway, this match was nothing to write home about, but certainly wasn’t bad.  Barrett is still one of the WWE’s better superstars, but I can’t help but feel Jackson is falling into a major rut in his career in the WWE.  He had so many videos hyping his return, and he returned as a nondescript entrant in a generic battle royal in last week’s dismal holiday SmackDown.  At this point, I think you can put him on termination watch.

Teddy Long puts David Otunga in a match with Sheamus.  Goodie.  David Otunga in a wrestling match.  (Note the sarcasm)

Daniel Bryan comes out to talk to Josh Mathews about his loss last week to Mark Henry in the steel cage.  I seriously see Daniel Bryan becoming a major player.  A little bit Bret Hart, a little bit Mick Foley, a little bit CM Punk… lots of good stuff.  Michael Cole decides to pick an argument with Daniel Bryan.  This leads to Daniel Bryan getting jumped by Cody Rhodes for his troubles.  Apparently, the WWE is still convinced that burying whomever holds the Money in the Bank contract is still the way to convince us that the holder is a deserving future champion.  Honestly, the only two I remember NOT being ragged on constantly while they were the Money in the Bank contract holders were Kane and Jack Swagger, and both cashed in their contracts either immediately or within the week.  Then again, Swagger got ragged on his entire championship reign into one of the most ineffectual times in WWE history.

Cody Rhodes leaves commentary at this point, so commentary got modestly better… but Cole is still there, so you shouldn’t hope for much more.

Zack Ryder def. Heath Slater

Dear God, Lilian Garcia saves WWE audio…

Ah, excuse me.  Anyway, Ryder wins a quick match that is nothing special and probably just made for the purpose of selling to non-believers that Ryder is US Championship material.  Then the WWE’ll have him lose against Dolph Ziggler just to spite the Internet Wrestling Community.  Because that’s how the WWE rolls.  Yeah, screw storytelling!  Making our fans pissed off is the way to do business!

…Y’know, I sometimes wonder why I still watch this company post-Invasion.

Ted DiBiase def. Jinder Mahal

Yes, because far be it from the WWE to put undercarders on their pay-per-view!

This match did show why I have little patience with the WWE nowadays, especially with their commentary.  We spend the entire match with Michael Cole’s whining, arguing, and complaining and Josh Mathews doing the obligatory Kmart advertisement.  How long has this show been on?  Only 44 minutes? ARGH!  You know, if the WWE didn’t care about this match, why should I?  DiBiase wins the match, Mahal looked terrible again, DiBiase looked passable, fine, WWE.  I won’t care about this match.

Big Show in a ‘confrontation’ with Mark Henry in another of my absolute least favorite things about the WWE… an over-abundance of face-to-faces where nothing new or interesting happens.  One says “I’m going to win” or “I’m gonna hurt you,” the other says “no, I’m gonna hurt you” or “I’m going to win.”  Typically this ends with a fight of some kind and either one leaves the other laying or one runs off.  Any wagers on that happening here?

Guess what?  It does.  Mark Henry gets left laying and Big Show focuses on the ‘injured’ leg.  Way to go, WWE.  Way to make one world-tier champion look dominate and the other look like a chump.

Hornswoggle comes out to be a special guest ring announcer.  Michael Cole uses the term “horsing around” when Hornswoggle and Lillian dance together in the ring.  A veiled shot at Lilian Garcia that is in really poor taste.  I don’t know if it’s Vince McMahon or Triple H, but it’s really classless.  And I find Lilian Garcia more beautiful than most all the Divas roster.  Whoever is behind these jabs, screw you.

Sheamus def. David Otunga

Nothing much to say here.  Sheamus’ matches are typically fun and Otunga didn’t look entirely useless, surprisingly.  Decent, but uninspired, especially for one of the WWE’s biggest stars heading into a Pay-Per-View.  Knowing our luck, they’ll make Christian wrestle while injured and have him job out to Sheamus again in a TLC match just to really cheese off fans.

Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes def. Daniel Bryan (disqualification)

It was a decent match for what it had to be, what with Daniel Bryan having to sell the rib injury.  Booker T comes down to attack Cody Rhodes from the earlier attack.

We get some backstage fluff between Teddy Long and Aksana… primarily pimping the WWE Network.

Diva’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Natalya def. A.J. & Kaitlyn(?)

Hey!  Guess what?  The WWE got wise to me calling modern Diva matches the Beer Run Matches that now they don’t give you the luxury of taking this time to restock your refreshments!  This match was taped, a heel turn for Kaitlyn was made, and it got cut all together from the show!  While I appreciate the WWE not forcing the same repeated match to us for another week, at least three of the four Divas involved here CAN wrestle.

One of these Divas is not like the other!  One of these Divas can’t work a match!  If you guessed the one turning heel, NOOOOOOO!  REALLY?!  ^_~

Randy Orton def. United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero with two seconds remaining

While I’m certain the result was pretty much pre-determined, it was still a generally good match.  I hate these Beat The Clock matches that take place after any other Beat The Clock match because I think the time really constricts what Superstars can do in the ring.  It’s ridiculous, really.

Anyway, Dolph Ziggler can do no wrong in the ring, even when he’s jobbing out to Randy Orton.  And yes, I know, technically Orton’s the higher-tiered Superstar, but bare in mind that I consider jobbing in terms of in-ring ability, not standing in the company.  Now, Orton isn’t a bad wrestler, but he’s very uninspired to me.  He gets by on aggression and crap-tastic storytelling in modern WWE.  Some may say that Stone Cold Steve Austin got by on aggression too, but at least he could be coherent, consistently compotent, and just damn entertaining in the ring.  Orton… just doesn’t have that.  I find him boring, to be honest.  And the fact that it was HIM that beat Christian in two days for the World Championship this year was what ticked me off the most, not just Christian losing in two days after he busted his hump for 14 years before being unceremoniously gyped out of it.

Speaking of dubiously short title reigns, Dolph Ziggler gets brutalized by Orton after Wade Barrett attempts a sneak attack.  Orton power bombs him through a table (Orton using the Power Bomb REALLY doesn’t look right…) and the match between he and Barrett is made to be that boring Tables Match we heard so much about.  Of course, since Mark Henry vs. Big Show is a Chair Match, Triple H vs. Kevin Nash is a Ladder Match, and the WWE Championship match is a TLC match, it was the only option remaining.  Yes, really suspenseful.  You really wanted to change things up on us, WWE?  Should have had Orton pick something else.  When was the last time we had an Ambulance Match?  I don’t care if it’s Tables, Ladders, and Chairs themed for the Pay-Per-View.  There’s no suspense in guessing the match type like this.  You should have just called it a Tables Match from the get go and be done with it.

SmackDown was… annoying.  I’ve been pretty fine with SmackDown generally speaking, but tonight was a chore to watch.  We had the graceful return of Lilian Garcia, but Michael Cole had one of his worst nights of commentary ever, and turning it into a case where Josh Mathews had to save it only made things worse.  And Cody Rhodes out there for about 40 minutes worth of regular commentary made it unbearable and just not entertaining.

I give SmackDown for December 19, 2011… One and a half out of five stars.  It really missed the mark with me this week.

That’s all for me.  Hopefuly we’ll get better stuff next week.

Until next week, I am Master Graveheart, tagging out.

Updates resume this week

Hey guys, sorry for the lack of updates.  Real life can catch up to someone, especially towards the end of a college semester, during a job hunt, and Christmas Shopping.  I missed a Back Stack and a WWEekly Wrap-Up, not to mention my Rocky & Bullwinkle NES review.  So, tomorrow, in addition to The Back Stack, I'll also touch on key points of what happened last week, particularly John Morrison's departure from the WWE, the new John Cena angle, Ziggler awesomeness, Miz's rape-face, and an absolutely STUPID SmackDown on Tuesday.

So, that's it.  Hope you'll check the blog out when it gets a real update.