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I want to talk about two things from last week’s Raw and SmackDown. First on Raw. The end of John Morrison’s career. How does it end? Does he get a grand match late in the show? Does he get a tribute of any kind? Does he come close, yet fall short, in a title bout of some kind? No. What happens? He gets squashed by his less-talented former tag team partner, The Miz. Rumor has it that Vince McMahon wasn’t high on John Morrison for a variety of suggested reasons, either for letting his girlfriend Melina sleep around with the locker room, Vince not being convinced that he could win any kind of fight, or what have you. While I can’t comment on that first bit, as for the second one… yeah, I’m not convinced more than half your roster could win a real fight, but hey, unassuming packages, right?
No, I’m more irritated with the WWE’s handling of John Morrison as a whole rather than just this one instance like I was critical of them when Lita left years back. It always ended up being a tease. He was put in great matches, had great performances, was put in the title picture multiple times, and lost to WWE darlings like The Miz, only winning against them when Rey Mysterio fails a welfare policy test and has to drop his title. The fans were seemingly very into him and you WANT your fans to be into your Superstars, don’t you, WWE?
So, yeah, not happy about that. Now onto SmackDown.
…IT SUCKED. Let’s leave it at that.
Monday Night Raw from Tampa, FL, on December5, 2011
Monday Night Raw was actually the better show between the two this week. When that happens, you know SmackDown had to be exceptionally bad… most weeks, anyway.
We start off with The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, and John Cena talking WWE Championship opportunities. Ummm… shouldn’t the actual Champion be taking part in this in some way? Anyway, all four will end up with matches tonight and if they win, they’ll be included in a TLC match against CM Punk for the WWE Championship. This means we can have a potential Five-Way. Of course, my highest hope is that this’ll end up just being a one-on-one between Punk and Ziggler, but no way I’m that lucky. This segment was… routine. There wasn’t a lot to say. Anyway, the Miz is first and his opponent is Randy Orton. Joy.
The Miz def. Randy Orton (countout)
This was another uninspired match between these two. I was never particularly impressed with their matches when they were feuding over the WWE Championship earlier in the year/last year and this match was no exception. Barrett comes out and distracts Orton long enough to be counted out. Nothing really worth mentioning. Miz is in the match.
Alberto Del Rio def. Daniel Bryan
A short match and it hurts in two ways. One, Daniel Bryan has to sell rib injuries and obviously isn’t permitted to do his best stuff, not to mention tap out quickly to the Cross Armbreaker. Second, it doesn’t make Daniel Bryan, injury or not, seem like a credible contender to the World Heavyweight Championship, which is what the Money in the Bank Winner always is. Face or heel, I think the title holder needs to be treated as such at all times to remain as an ever-lingering threat to the championship. And guess what? The WWE doesn’t do that. Nope, let a perceived weakling take the title! That’s the way to tell the fans the holders are the best in the world! Oies…
Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres def. Diva’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Natalya
Within thirty seconds, Kelly Kelly rolls up Beth for the win. What do I need to say about this? Y’know, WWE, this is not the way to convince us that Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, either of the Bellas Alicia, Kaitlyn, or any of your other hack Divas can actually work a match or deserve to be called a champion, even in a world of pre-determined results. You only hurt the credibility of those who we know CAN wrestle. If I was a Diva, I’d make like the beautiful and amazing Gail Kim… and just walk out on you.
Anyway, the Interim GM, John Laurinitas, has a special surprise for John Cena. His opponent tonight is Zack Ryder. As a bonus, if Ryder wins, he gets the United States Championship match against Dolph Ziggler. So, yeah, two friends going against another with their shots at the titles they want on the line. Good heel heat for Laurinitas, but an admittedly bad premise when you want Cena to be your ever-loved face of the company.
John Cena def. Zack Ryder.
Oh, for those of you who thought Ryder would go over Cena in ANY fashion, I laugh at your misfortune. Yeah, okay match, Ryder puts up a good show, but Super Cena wins in the end. The two get into an argument, Ryder yelling how that it was his one opportunity at the title. Ryder had been petitioning for weeks and had been denied a US title match. So, yeah, he’s pretty peeved about it. Cena returns to the locker room and says that Ryder still deserves a US Title Match. The GM agrees to give Ryder one more chance to earn a title match if Cena gives up his spot in the WWE Championship match. Cena agrees in an effort to make him better loved to the Internet Wrestling Community… but since he’ll get another title shot down the line anyway, I doubt it’ll work out. As for Ryder, he has another match immediately against…
No Disqualification: Zack Ryder def. World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry (non-title)
Okay, I also thought it was going to be Brodus Clay who would make his debut here. Now, anybody whose anybody would have seen Ryder winning this coming, especially when it was made No Disqualification, but against the World Heavyweight Champion? Ummm… you guys DO know he’s one of your two top dogs in this company, right? Hell, if I were Ryder’s character, I’d say “screw the United States Championship! I’m a World Heavyweight Championship contender now! I just beat the World Heavyweight Champion! Who cares if Cena did the heavy lifting? I BEAT THE WORLD CHAMP!” Anyway, this match wasn’t as good as Cena/Ryder and not as long either.
Kevin Nash def. Santino Marella
Since I was a WCW fan at one point, I enjoyed seeing another Kevin Nash match. What I didn’t enjoy was, well, being a more educated fan seeing a modern Kevin Nash match. It wasn’t even a humorous match, considering Santino was involved. In fact, I almost figured it’d be shorter than that Divas debacle from earlier. Shows what I know.
Sheamus def. United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero
Probably the match of the week and can you expect anything else from Dolph Ziggler? Really? Honestly, my fear is that I’m going to run out of things to say about him. There are other wrestlers I’ll go on about in a good way, but one of them is consistently ragged on (Daniel Bryan), one of them is perpetually inactive (Undertaker), one of them is the WWE Champion and doesn’t get as much air-time as he should (CM Punk), and the other just jumped ship to TNA (Gail Kim). Anyway, good match, Ryder distracts Ziggler, Sheamus gets the win, and Ryder lays out Ziggler again. Fun stuff overall.
We end on the contract signing for the WWE Championship Triple Threat between CM Punk, Alberto Del Rio, and The Miz. Punk echos all our thoughts with this one. These are boring. These are predictable. I wanna get to the action too. One thing to note… I know John Laurinitas is supposed to get under fans’ skin, but calling himself Mr. Excitement than suggesting to end the signing with a photograph? Y’know, I get the character they’re going for… NOBODY is that self-contradictory. Anyway, Punk raises hell, lays out Del Rio, lays out Miz, the end.
Raw was pretty darn bad. There were a couple good spots and Dolph Ziggler, of course, kept it from being a total waste of time. Everything else felt more like a chore rather than a diversion. I just didn’t have a lot of fun tonight.
I give Raw for December 5, 2011… Two out of five stars.
Friday Night SmackDown from Jacksonville, FL, on December 9, 2011
We begin the show with Booker T having been attacked by Cody Rhodes for supposedly berating Rhodes. Y’know, I understand that they want an angle for Booker T to come back to the ring, but this thing with Rhodes is a REAL stretch. It’s not creative, it’s not interesting, and it’s causing Michael Cole to be exposed as the terrible announcer he is.
Onto something happy, Lillian Garcia, the best WWE announcer since Howard Finkel, is back! YES! And, of course, since WWE can’t let their fans be happy with anything not CenOrton Circle related, Rhodes interrupts to say that he’s doing commentary for the evening. Y’know, for as bad as Cole talks about how bad Booker T is, I can understand how much jubilation he was experiencing with Rhodes on commentary. Rhodes actually makes Cole sound better by comparison. Seriously, with Rhodes’s droning, low volume, date rapey voice, I can safely say that Michael Cole is no longer the worst option for regular commentary on a weekly basis. Hell, commentary on SmackDown became so unbearable that I actually muted it out. Now, Booker T wasn’t the best, I admit, but it was still fun with just how wacky he was.
It begs the question, though. When Booker T does return to active competition, who replaces him on SmackDown? Do they replace him at all? Well, they better. Josh Mathews is a hack commentator as it is and Michael Cole has single-handedly brought down commentary as a whole. Now I can safely say that there is one thing TNA does better. I’ll take Mike Tenay and Taz over Michael Cole and Not-JR any day.
All right. Let’s begin.
Beat The Clock Challenge: Wade Barrett def. Ezekiel Jackson in 7:53
The premise is simple. Whomever between Wade Barrett and Randy Orton wins their match in a faster amount of time wins the right to declare their match’s stipulation at the TLC Pay-Per-View. Hmmm… four options, two of which require either a title or a weapon to be on the line, which isn’t the case between Barrett and Orton… so really, take your pick. Either the admittedly bland tables match or the one-note chairs match. Joy.
Anyway, this match was nothing to write home about, but certainly wasn’t bad. Barrett is still one of the WWE’s better superstars, but I can’t help but feel Jackson is falling into a major rut in his career in the WWE. He had so many videos hyping his return, and he returned as a nondescript entrant in a generic battle royal in last week’s dismal holiday SmackDown. At this point, I think you can put him on termination watch.
Teddy Long puts David Otunga in a match with Sheamus. Goodie. David Otunga in a wrestling match. (Note the sarcasm)
Daniel Bryan comes out to talk to Josh Mathews about his loss last week to Mark Henry in the steel cage. I seriously see Daniel Bryan becoming a major player. A little bit Bret Hart, a little bit Mick Foley, a little bit CM Punk… lots of good stuff. Michael Cole decides to pick an argument with Daniel Bryan. This leads to Daniel Bryan getting jumped by Cody Rhodes for his troubles. Apparently, the WWE is still convinced that burying whomever holds the Money in the Bank contract is still the way to convince us that the holder is a deserving future champion. Honestly, the only two I remember NOT being ragged on constantly while they were the Money in the Bank contract holders were Kane and Jack Swagger, and both cashed in their contracts either immediately or within the week. Then again, Swagger got ragged on his entire championship reign into one of the most ineffectual times in WWE history.
Cody Rhodes leaves commentary at this point, so commentary got modestly better… but Cole is still there, so you shouldn’t hope for much more.
Zack Ryder def. Heath Slater
Dear God, Lilian Garcia saves WWE audio…
Ah, excuse me. Anyway, Ryder wins a quick match that is nothing special and probably just made for the purpose of selling to non-believers that Ryder is US Championship material. Then the WWE’ll have him lose against Dolph Ziggler just to spite the Internet Wrestling Community. Because that’s how the WWE rolls. Yeah, screw storytelling! Making our fans pissed off is the way to do business!
…Y’know, I sometimes wonder why I still watch this company post-Invasion.
Ted DiBiase def. Jinder Mahal
Yes, because far be it from the WWE to put undercarders on their pay-per-view!
This match did show why I have little patience with the WWE nowadays, especially with their commentary. We spend the entire match with Michael Cole’s whining, arguing, and complaining and Josh Mathews doing the obligatory Kmart advertisement. How long has this show been on? Only 44 minutes? ARGH! You know, if the WWE didn’t care about this match, why should I? DiBiase wins the match, Mahal looked terrible again, DiBiase looked passable, fine, WWE. I won’t care about this match.
Big Show in a ‘confrontation’ with Mark Henry in another of my absolute least favorite things about the WWE… an over-abundance of face-to-faces where nothing new or interesting happens. One says “I’m going to win” or “I’m gonna hurt you,” the other says “no, I’m gonna hurt you” or “I’m going to win.” Typically this ends with a fight of some kind and either one leaves the other laying or one runs off. Any wagers on that happening here?
Guess what? It does. Mark Henry gets left laying and Big Show focuses on the ‘injured’ leg. Way to go, WWE. Way to make one world-tier champion look dominate and the other look like a chump.
Hornswoggle comes out to be a special guest ring announcer. Michael Cole uses the term “horsing around” when Hornswoggle and Lillian dance together in the ring. A veiled shot at Lilian Garcia that is in really poor taste. I don’t know if it’s Vince McMahon or Triple H, but it’s really classless. And I find Lilian Garcia more beautiful than most all the Divas roster. Whoever is behind these jabs, screw you.
Sheamus def. David Otunga
Nothing much to say here. Sheamus’ matches are typically fun and Otunga didn’t look entirely useless, surprisingly. Decent, but uninspired, especially for one of the WWE’s biggest stars heading into a Pay-Per-View. Knowing our luck, they’ll make Christian wrestle while injured and have him job out to Sheamus again in a TLC match just to really cheese off fans.
Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes def. Daniel Bryan (disqualification)
It was a decent match for what it had to be, what with Daniel Bryan having to sell the rib injury. Booker T comes down to attack Cody Rhodes from the earlier attack.
We get some backstage fluff between Teddy Long and Aksana… primarily pimping the WWE Network.
Diva’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Natalya def. A.J. & Kaitlyn(?)
Hey! Guess what? The WWE got wise to me calling modern Diva matches the Beer Run Matches that now they don’t give you the luxury of taking this time to restock your refreshments! This match was taped, a heel turn for Kaitlyn was made, and it got cut all together from the show! While I appreciate the WWE not forcing the same repeated match to us for another week, at least three of the four Divas involved here CAN wrestle.
One of these Divas is not like the other! One of these Divas can’t work a match! If you guessed the one turning heel, NOOOOOOO! REALLY?! ^_~
Randy Orton def. United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero with two seconds remaining
While I’m certain the result was pretty much pre-determined, it was still a generally good match. I hate these Beat The Clock matches that take place after any other Beat The Clock match because I think the time really constricts what Superstars can do in the ring. It’s ridiculous, really.
Anyway, Dolph Ziggler can do no wrong in the ring, even when he’s jobbing out to Randy Orton. And yes, I know, technically Orton’s the higher-tiered Superstar, but bare in mind that I consider jobbing in terms of in-ring ability, not standing in the company. Now, Orton isn’t a bad wrestler, but he’s very uninspired to me. He gets by on aggression and crap-tastic storytelling in modern WWE. Some may say that Stone Cold Steve Austin got by on aggression too, but at least he could be coherent, consistently compotent, and just damn entertaining in the ring. Orton… just doesn’t have that. I find him boring, to be honest. And the fact that it was HIM that beat Christian in two days for the World Championship this year was what ticked me off the most, not just Christian losing in two days after he busted his hump for 14 years before being unceremoniously gyped out of it.
Speaking of dubiously short title reigns, Dolph Ziggler gets brutalized by Orton after Wade Barrett attempts a sneak attack. Orton power bombs him through a table (Orton using the Power Bomb REALLY doesn’t look right…) and the match between he and Barrett is made to be that boring Tables Match we heard so much about. Of course, since Mark Henry vs. Big Show is a Chair Match, Triple H vs. Kevin Nash is a Ladder Match, and the WWE Championship match is a TLC match, it was the only option remaining. Yes, really suspenseful. You really wanted to change things up on us, WWE? Should have had Orton pick something else. When was the last time we had an Ambulance Match? I don’t care if it’s Tables, Ladders, and Chairs themed for the Pay-Per-View. There’s no suspense in guessing the match type like this. You should have just called it a Tables Match from the get go and be done with it.
SmackDown was… annoying. I’ve been pretty fine with SmackDown generally speaking, but tonight was a chore to watch. We had the graceful return of Lilian Garcia, but Michael Cole had one of his worst nights of commentary ever, and turning it into a case where Josh Mathews had to save it only made things worse. And Cody Rhodes out there for about 40 minutes worth of regular commentary made it unbearable and just not entertaining.
I give SmackDown for December 19, 2011… One and a half out of five stars. It really missed the mark with me this week.
That’s all for me. Hopefuly we’ll get better stuff next week.
Until next week, I am Master Graveheart, tagging out.
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